Grief Dictator

This is not the post I planned for today. However, emotions have a way of dictating words.

Rose Veronica Ray was born March 12, 1927 in Brooklyn, New York.

She married, raised five children, and was “Grandma” to ten; of which I was one.

I loved my Grandma dearly. Her house was magical and it would take an entire book to share my memories.

Her death on November 21, 1996 blew a hole through my heart. It was unexpected, sudden, and devastating. When I received the phone call at college, I had to sit down to absorb the news. I questioned my dad as I was sure I heard him wrong. “You mean Grandpa?” I asked. He was the one who had been in failing health.

When he repeated the terrible news, the air left my lungs and everything blurred.
She passed on a Thursday and one week later it was Thanksgiving.

It was a day I was expected to work. It was not easy, and the tears and emotions flowed as I tried to compose myself.

Before the customers began to arrive I was informed my grief should not be this “bad.”
“It’s the circle of life. Grandparents die before their grandkids. At least it wasn’t a child or your sibling.”

In short, I was told I had no need to grieve so deeply. Others had it much worse, and I should be thankful I didn’t have a loss like theirs.

Instead of support and comfort, I received invalidation of my feelings. Instead of a hug, I was chastised. Instead of empathy, I received scorn.

Abusive people are unable to see anything beyond their own needs and wants. Your feelings don’t matter to them and in their eyes, you’ll never experience anything as difficult as they have.

They are wrong.
Your grief is your grief. Your feelings are your feelings.

Don’t let a toxic person tell you otherwise. A partner or friend who minimizes your feelings or tries to “compare” hardships and tell you how you should feel is not an emotionally healthy person.

It’s been 24 years since I saw my Grandma. I cried and I will grieve today because I miss her. Happy Birthday, Grandma! I love you!